The New Yorker, 25 July, 1994, Page 82

SHOUTS AND MURMURS

HOW I MET MY WIFE

BY JACK WINTER

[singlepic id=271 w=240 h=320 float=right]It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.  I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner.  She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array.  Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.  I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I’d have to make bones about it, since I was traveling cognito.  Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened.  And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn’t be peccable.  Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.  Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable.  There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or sung hero were slim.  I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.  So I decided not to rush it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of.  So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.  Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous.  She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good.  She told me who she was.  “What a perfect nomer,” I said, advertently.  The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail.  But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour.  I asked if she wanted to come with me.  To my delight, she was committal.  We left the party together and have been together ever since.  I have given her my love, and she has requited it.